Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I discovered something interesting about Mom's urge to smoke.
The only video (including televised shows and disc-in-the-slot video) presentation that Mom can't seem to watch without wanting a cigarette and thinking that she still smokes is Sex and the City. We've been watching episodes of the show lately. I finally noticed that whenever Carrie lights up Mom looks around for cigarettes. She begins insisting that she smokes and that there must be cigarettes in the house or she stares at me indignantly, expecting me to head out on a short trip to buy her some. I've thought about why this particular character in this particular show is so far her only cigarette trigger: It's true, Mom can watch video after show after video featuring someone lighting a cigarette and doesn't notice. But when Carrie on lights up Mom's a smoker again. I think there are a couple of reasons:
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've mentioned to my mother several times why it is we are not visiting relatives in the Valley to celebrate this year. I've been truthful and detailed and she always seems to accept my explanation at the moment. Then, a few to several hours later, she's lost the memory and we go through the same dialogue. Finally, yesterday, by way of bringing up the subject once again, she stated/asked, "I guess MPS and BIL and the kids are visiting BIL's parents this year."
I know, because of her interminable reiterating, that she's having trouble with the real explanation and probably, too, with my insistence on running the holidays my way this year. I didn't want to go through it all again, so I said, "I don't know but I imagine so." She hasn't asked since. This seems to satisfy her.
Am I harboring any guilt over keeping my mother from seeing family this year over Thanksgiving (and, maybe, I don't know, Christmas, too); don't I care that this 'might be her last holiday season', etc. No. Every year might be her last; I've been considering this for 10 years. This year I need a break from The Caregiver's Harried Holiday Season so I'm taking it. And, you know what? It feels really, really good.
A few days ago Mom was watching the "Oprah" part of her afternoon television line-up and I had my project papers sprawled over the floor considering what to keep and what to trash. Once again, Oprah was giving gifts to her audience. As the gifting came to a close she introduced the entertainment segment and her peculiar choice of words suddenly registered with me, "The holidays aren't just about receiving, you know," and I thought Well, this is interesting, she's scolding her audience for taking advantage of her generosity...I guess all gift horses have mouths, don't they. Oprah continued, "they're about giving, too, and hope." I realized this is why caregivers are so damned stressed throughout the holidays. Here we are, giving care constantly throughout the year in the most intimate and demanding of ways while working hard to allow our charges to retain as much of their personal dignity as possible, usually receiving little to no help or inadequate help or help that ups the ante for us as caregivers, being harassed beyond endurance by the caregiver establishment to "take care of yourselves, too," the holidays come along with platitudes about generosity and charity that become so ubiquitous one can't even escape them through Muzak...and if one is a caregiver of the Ancient and infirm hope isn't an issue, living has nothing to do with hope, not that hopelessness takes the trump but life works better under intense caregiving circumstances if one takes a Zen attitude which has everything to do with enhancing the moment and nothing to do with hope...
...and The Rude Caregiver strikes again. Don't talk to me about giving. Don't talk to me about hope. I'm in The Zone. If you think you have anything of value to caregivers to say about giving and hope then step into The Zone, my friend, look around, strip beds, bathe my mother and scan her for new bruises and infections, consider when she might be ready for a bowel movement and make sure these go smoothly enough so she neither strains nor remains dirty enough to give herself a UTI, keep doctors from needlessly plundering her in the name of healing and juggle all the miscellaneous business of her life as well as your conjoined lives. While doing this make her feel as though she is not being personally invaded or victimized, remind her to drink liquids several times a day, take stats, plan meals, keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't falter when moving about, do everything you can think of to keep her feeling safe and secure including second guessing and constant, creative reevaluation and, by the way, keep her from eating condiments straight out of their bottles from the refrigerator, creatively remind her that she no longer smokes while invalidating society's ubiquitous reminders of smoking, wonder if she's sleeping and moving too little or too much, keep your ears tuned as you sleep in case she decides to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night so you will arise to make sure her journey is uneventful, awaken her in the morning and answer, once again, her daily question "Why?" she should get up and answer it with conviction, truly love her and make sure she knows she's loved, all the while retaining your sense of yourself as an individual with a unique mix of talents, skills and dreams...then talk to me.
- Although Carrie isn't her favorite Sex and the City character all the other characters' lives are filtered through hers so she's the most visible, the most "real" and the most multi-faceted.
- Carrie always smokes when she's either highly agitated or highly satisfied (as in after sex). Cigarettes are part of her celebration of emotional extremes. My mother's smoking has had these elements, although not exclusive of simple nicotine replenishment. I do know that capping or inviting satisfaction and sorting through agitation with a cigarette have been important rituals for her. Sex and the City exaggerates smoking for my mother by highlighting these uses of smoking and often talking around them through dramatizing Carrie's constant battle to quit. Interestingly, even in the later episodes where Carrie mentions, in a variety of situations, that she no longer smokes, my mother starts hunting cigarettes. Thus, Carrie's smoking remains visible even though Carrie no longer indulges.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've mentioned to my mother several times why it is we are not visiting relatives in the Valley to celebrate this year. I've been truthful and detailed and she always seems to accept my explanation at the moment. Then, a few to several hours later, she's lost the memory and we go through the same dialogue. Finally, yesterday, by way of bringing up the subject once again, she stated/asked, "I guess MPS and BIL and the kids are visiting BIL's parents this year."
I know, because of her interminable reiterating, that she's having trouble with the real explanation and probably, too, with my insistence on running the holidays my way this year. I didn't want to go through it all again, so I said, "I don't know but I imagine so." She hasn't asked since. This seems to satisfy her.
Am I harboring any guilt over keeping my mother from seeing family this year over Thanksgiving (and, maybe, I don't know, Christmas, too); don't I care that this 'might be her last holiday season', etc. No. Every year might be her last; I've been considering this for 10 years. This year I need a break from The Caregiver's Harried Holiday Season so I'm taking it. And, you know what? It feels really, really good.
A few days ago Mom was watching the "Oprah" part of her afternoon television line-up and I had my project papers sprawled over the floor considering what to keep and what to trash. Once again, Oprah was giving gifts to her audience. As the gifting came to a close she introduced the entertainment segment and her peculiar choice of words suddenly registered with me, "The holidays aren't just about receiving, you know," and I thought Well, this is interesting, she's scolding her audience for taking advantage of her generosity...I guess all gift horses have mouths, don't they. Oprah continued, "they're about giving, too, and hope." I realized this is why caregivers are so damned stressed throughout the holidays. Here we are, giving care constantly throughout the year in the most intimate and demanding of ways while working hard to allow our charges to retain as much of their personal dignity as possible, usually receiving little to no help or inadequate help or help that ups the ante for us as caregivers, being harassed beyond endurance by the caregiver establishment to "take care of yourselves, too," the holidays come along with platitudes about generosity and charity that become so ubiquitous one can't even escape them through Muzak...and if one is a caregiver of the Ancient and infirm hope isn't an issue, living has nothing to do with hope, not that hopelessness takes the trump but life works better under intense caregiving circumstances if one takes a Zen attitude which has everything to do with enhancing the moment and nothing to do with hope...
...and The Rude Caregiver strikes again. Don't talk to me about giving. Don't talk to me about hope. I'm in The Zone. If you think you have anything of value to caregivers to say about giving and hope then step into The Zone, my friend, look around, strip beds, bathe my mother and scan her for new bruises and infections, consider when she might be ready for a bowel movement and make sure these go smoothly enough so she neither strains nor remains dirty enough to give herself a UTI, keep doctors from needlessly plundering her in the name of healing and juggle all the miscellaneous business of her life as well as your conjoined lives. While doing this make her feel as though she is not being personally invaded or victimized, remind her to drink liquids several times a day, take stats, plan meals, keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't falter when moving about, do everything you can think of to keep her feeling safe and secure including second guessing and constant, creative reevaluation and, by the way, keep her from eating condiments straight out of their bottles from the refrigerator, creatively remind her that she no longer smokes while invalidating society's ubiquitous reminders of smoking, wonder if she's sleeping and moving too little or too much, keep your ears tuned as you sleep in case she decides to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night so you will arise to make sure her journey is uneventful, awaken her in the morning and answer, once again, her daily question "Why?" she should get up and answer it with conviction, truly love her and make sure she knows she's loved, all the while retaining your sense of yourself as an individual with a unique mix of talents, skills and dreams...then talk to me.
