Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Once again, I awoke late, for me...
...and Mom's eyes were open when I looked in on her.
On automatic, as I usually am first thing in the morning, I said, "Ready to get up?"
"It's nine [yes, I slept in this morning, amazingly], I suppose I should."
As usually happens when I know I'm not going to have a good 90 minutes to myself in the morning before "our" day begins, my spirit drooped but, as also happens, I went into automatic and said, "Okay. I just got up. I have to get the bathroom ready for you and set up breakfast stuff. We're having bacon today so I have to get it ready to turn it on while you're bathing. I haven't had coffee or anything so I'll probably be a little off. Thought I'd better let you know. It'll take a few minutes."
"That's okay."
I headed into the kitchen, remembering, while I set up breakfast things, what a horrible day I'd had recently when I didn't have some time to myself, didn't have coffee, wasn't able to ease into the day. No, I decided, I'm not going to let that happen again. I don't need to be feeling deprived today and take it out on Mom. I don't care whether she's ready to get up. I'm not ready for her to get up and if we repeat that recent "rushed morning" episode neither of us is going to have a good day, courtesy of me.
So, I went back into Mom's bedroom. Her eyes were closed but I could tell from her breathing that she was awake, waiting to be called into the day. "Mom," I said, "I need some time to myself in the morning before I deal with 'us'. I'm glad you're ready to get up without me calling you but if I don't have some time to myself we'll both be sorry that you awoke early (for her, anyway). I'm going to let you sleep for another hour or so."
I could tell she was surprised but she took it in stride. "I never mind a little extra sleep," she said, grinning.
The truth is, I feel a touch of guilt for insisting on my alone time over her readiness to arise. I'm thinking I'm reinforcing behavior in her that I have wanted to turn around. I don't feel very good about doing this but I know from experience that I'd feel even worse putting aside my morning needs in favor of her morning desires.
I'm a little surprised. Trying to manage and quell my discomfort about taking my time this morning will probably drape a sheer but guilt-gray veil over my day. When I awoke I realized I'd lost that "ready for anything" surge I'd had last night and still haven't recovered it after a good hour and a half. But, you know, days are days and life continues regardless of the tenor of one day or another.
I'm ready. Time to up end the Mom.
Later.
On automatic, as I usually am first thing in the morning, I said, "Ready to get up?"
"It's nine [yes, I slept in this morning, amazingly], I suppose I should."
As usually happens when I know I'm not going to have a good 90 minutes to myself in the morning before "our" day begins, my spirit drooped but, as also happens, I went into automatic and said, "Okay. I just got up. I have to get the bathroom ready for you and set up breakfast stuff. We're having bacon today so I have to get it ready to turn it on while you're bathing. I haven't had coffee or anything so I'll probably be a little off. Thought I'd better let you know. It'll take a few minutes."
"That's okay."
I headed into the kitchen, remembering, while I set up breakfast things, what a horrible day I'd had recently when I didn't have some time to myself, didn't have coffee, wasn't able to ease into the day. No, I decided, I'm not going to let that happen again. I don't need to be feeling deprived today and take it out on Mom. I don't care whether she's ready to get up. I'm not ready for her to get up and if we repeat that recent "rushed morning" episode neither of us is going to have a good day, courtesy of me.
So, I went back into Mom's bedroom. Her eyes were closed but I could tell from her breathing that she was awake, waiting to be called into the day. "Mom," I said, "I need some time to myself in the morning before I deal with 'us'. I'm glad you're ready to get up without me calling you but if I don't have some time to myself we'll both be sorry that you awoke early (for her, anyway). I'm going to let you sleep for another hour or so."
I could tell she was surprised but she took it in stride. "I never mind a little extra sleep," she said, grinning.
The truth is, I feel a touch of guilt for insisting on my alone time over her readiness to arise. I'm thinking I'm reinforcing behavior in her that I have wanted to turn around. I don't feel very good about doing this but I know from experience that I'd feel even worse putting aside my morning needs in favor of her morning desires.
I'm a little surprised. Trying to manage and quell my discomfort about taking my time this morning will probably drape a sheer but guilt-gray veil over my day. When I awoke I realized I'd lost that "ready for anything" surge I'd had last night and still haven't recovered it after a good hour and a half. But, you know, days are days and life continues regardless of the tenor of one day or another.
I'm ready. Time to up end the Mom.
Later.
