Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Mom was almost as dehydrated, this morning...
...as the hospital allowed her to become on a saline drip while they were "observing" her after her blood transfusion from 6/9/04 - 6/10/04. Her color was surprisingly good, though, even prone. Once she was up her arms and legs turned positively ruddy and her face blossomed. I'm pushing fluids more than usual this morning, of course, and once I explained how dehydrated she is and how this is sapping her strength, she settled down and hasn't protested.
I ruminated on something interesting, though, that I noticed pre-breakfast during her nebulized breathing treatment. My usual focus during her breathing treatments is on reminding her several times throughout the 10 minutes to keep the mouthpiece in her mouth and keep her lips around it so the medication goes into her lungs. When these treatments began over two years ago it took a long time for me to "train" her to breathe both in and out through her mouth instead of her nose. That's something I figured we'd taken care of, though. This morning, just by chance, I happened to notice that the air valve on the top of the mouthpiece, which should respond both during a breath in and a breath out, was only responding during breaths out. So I figured I need to reteach her to breathe in. Occasionally I have to remind her of this by telling her that the reason the mist backs up in her mouth and she feels the need to release it by taking the mouthpiece out is because she's not breathing in with her mouth. Anyway, we went through the skill again.
Once she seemed to be concentrating on breathing in through her mouth as well as out I settled back and watched her and thought about why it is that she has trouble remembering this. In the process of reviewing her tricks and my instructions I realized that one of the things I often say to her when she's not paying attention to her breathing as she takes the treatment is, "Mom, I can't breathe the treatment for you, you have to do it yourself." I often make similar statements to her, some of them recorded in this journal, such as, "I can't be your body, Mom, you have to be your body," etc. I wondered, is this the crux of it: That she decided some time ago, probably subconsciously, that she'd done enough for everyone else throughout the years, her children, her husband, her students, other teachers, etc., now it's time for everyone to do everything for her? The more I think about this the more likely it sounds its its application to all women (and, maybe, I'll grant, a few men) who've found their lives absconded by the role of primary and often, only, caregiver while being surrounded by people, children and adults, who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. In addition, the woman who finds herself in this role, when she's overwhelmed, is scolded to "take care of yourself". I know, I wrote a whole essay on this some time ago which you can find in the here. It hadn't, though, occurred to me until now that as women age and are finally divested of all these people demanding care and attention, when it comes time that women need care their subconscious attitude is, "Okay, fine, take care of me, and, while you're at it, take complete care of me...walk for me, talk for me, breathe for me, beat for me, eat for me, shit for me...it feels as though I did all those things for you. At the very least I coached you into doing these things. Now it's your turn. And if you don't, well, hell, everyone dies anyway. If I die because you won't do these things for me, just goes to show you, people will never, never appreciate their caregivers, will they!?! They'll let them die before they appreciate them, then they'll call it "natural causes!" It's amazing to me, now that I think about it, that, despite this underlying hostility that grows in women who have been subtly harassed into taking care of everyone all their lives, they still live longer than men even considering the rising rates of cancer and heart disease in women. Pretty strong stuff from which women are made, I'd say. How much longer do you suppose we'd live if we weren't responsible for the behind the scenes maintenance of the entire world? How much healthier would my mother be right now if she weren't convinced that it's time for her to slack the rest of her life away and let someone else do everything for her, including breathing for her?
I know this would be a subconscious attitude that develops over time. My mother, for instance, even in her earlier retirement years, was adamant about walking and mowing lawns and gardening to keep herself fit. She continued these activities even when my father's health and life were failing and she was called, once again, into intense caregiving. After my dad died she approached handling the personal business of her own household with gusto and did an amazing job, enjoying every moment. She continued this for some years after she asked me to live with her. Even when her short term memory began to lurch she worked hard at maintaining herself despite her mistrust of doctors and was usually successful. All the living tasks I took over from her were not released to me without struggles, both overt and covert. But somewhere along the way over the last 5 years or so, I'm beginning to think, she's decided that the bill for all the caretaking, both of others and of herself, has come due and she's entitled...look at her record. Look at the record of all women in this society (and others) including those who become consciously hostile early and take it out on those around them.
Damn, when are we going to get it? We'd all, young and old, be better off if we all pitched in. Caregiving needs to undergo a revolution from inside out, from bottom to top, with everyone involved. This can't just be a women's campaign. It has to be a people's campaign.
I ruminated on something interesting, though, that I noticed pre-breakfast during her nebulized breathing treatment. My usual focus during her breathing treatments is on reminding her several times throughout the 10 minutes to keep the mouthpiece in her mouth and keep her lips around it so the medication goes into her lungs. When these treatments began over two years ago it took a long time for me to "train" her to breathe both in and out through her mouth instead of her nose. That's something I figured we'd taken care of, though. This morning, just by chance, I happened to notice that the air valve on the top of the mouthpiece, which should respond both during a breath in and a breath out, was only responding during breaths out. So I figured I need to reteach her to breathe in. Occasionally I have to remind her of this by telling her that the reason the mist backs up in her mouth and she feels the need to release it by taking the mouthpiece out is because she's not breathing in with her mouth. Anyway, we went through the skill again.
Once she seemed to be concentrating on breathing in through her mouth as well as out I settled back and watched her and thought about why it is that she has trouble remembering this. In the process of reviewing her tricks and my instructions I realized that one of the things I often say to her when she's not paying attention to her breathing as she takes the treatment is, "Mom, I can't breathe the treatment for you, you have to do it yourself." I often make similar statements to her, some of them recorded in this journal, such as, "I can't be your body, Mom, you have to be your body," etc. I wondered, is this the crux of it: That she decided some time ago, probably subconsciously, that she'd done enough for everyone else throughout the years, her children, her husband, her students, other teachers, etc., now it's time for everyone to do everything for her? The more I think about this the more likely it sounds its its application to all women (and, maybe, I'll grant, a few men) who've found their lives absconded by the role of primary and often, only, caregiver while being surrounded by people, children and adults, who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. In addition, the woman who finds herself in this role, when she's overwhelmed, is scolded to "take care of yourself". I know, I wrote a whole essay on this some time ago which you can find in the here. It hadn't, though, occurred to me until now that as women age and are finally divested of all these people demanding care and attention, when it comes time that women need care their subconscious attitude is, "Okay, fine, take care of me, and, while you're at it, take complete care of me...walk for me, talk for me, breathe for me, beat for me, eat for me, shit for me...it feels as though I did all those things for you. At the very least I coached you into doing these things. Now it's your turn. And if you don't, well, hell, everyone dies anyway. If I die because you won't do these things for me, just goes to show you, people will never, never appreciate their caregivers, will they!?! They'll let them die before they appreciate them, then they'll call it "natural causes!" It's amazing to me, now that I think about it, that, despite this underlying hostility that grows in women who have been subtly harassed into taking care of everyone all their lives, they still live longer than men even considering the rising rates of cancer and heart disease in women. Pretty strong stuff from which women are made, I'd say. How much longer do you suppose we'd live if we weren't responsible for the behind the scenes maintenance of the entire world? How much healthier would my mother be right now if she weren't convinced that it's time for her to slack the rest of her life away and let someone else do everything for her, including breathing for her?
I know this would be a subconscious attitude that develops over time. My mother, for instance, even in her earlier retirement years, was adamant about walking and mowing lawns and gardening to keep herself fit. She continued these activities even when my father's health and life were failing and she was called, once again, into intense caregiving. After my dad died she approached handling the personal business of her own household with gusto and did an amazing job, enjoying every moment. She continued this for some years after she asked me to live with her. Even when her short term memory began to lurch she worked hard at maintaining herself despite her mistrust of doctors and was usually successful. All the living tasks I took over from her were not released to me without struggles, both overt and covert. But somewhere along the way over the last 5 years or so, I'm beginning to think, she's decided that the bill for all the caretaking, both of others and of herself, has come due and she's entitled...look at her record. Look at the record of all women in this society (and others) including those who become consciously hostile early and take it out on those around them.
Damn, when are we going to get it? We'd all, young and old, be better off if we all pitched in. Caregiving needs to undergo a revolution from inside out, from bottom to top, with everyone involved. This can't just be a women's campaign. It has to be a people's campaign.
