Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Today, I am, finally, no longer fighting...
...my low energy level. It's been this way for about 5 days. I've been doing things anyway but my muscles, even though they are strong and healthy, have been resisting, creating an annoying ache here, making me pull back from something by shooting a pain there.
When I awaken Mom at 0800 we'll be preparing her for FT. The Pre-Therapy Routine is autonomic now, including her hair, and my body doesn't seem to feel quite as restrictive as it did last night. I was going to do her hair yesterday but the day filled up quickly. At night I felt as though I could barely lift my arms so decided to put off the hair until this morning. I put off everything until this morning including taking out the garbage, setting up the dishwasher, rewinding the drier for its third run and, bizarre, this is how tired I was, putting off peeing until morning. I remember, as I walked down the hall, calculating the amount of muscular effort it would take to pee before stripping and falling into bed and deciding, hell, my bladder's strong, I'll just let it wake me up in the morning. It did.
I hear a cough, now. Good sign. I just looked in on her and she was sleeping peacefully, breathing evenly and deeply, so I'll not go in again until 0800 unless she emerges on her own. Although she hasn't been as physically active as I'd like and her excuses for not going out have sometimes been poor, there is one area in which she has been showing increments of improvement: Brain power. Over the last three to four weeks it's been as though her brain is choosing to become more conscious of itself. My mother is becoming more aware of her environment; remembering and anticipating plans. Lately she's been resurrecting habits that she hasn't incorporated into her behavior or her day for almost four years, since her health became rickety. Playing Solitaire. Reading books. Considering books at the paperback displays in groceries. Being attracted to sugar in the store. Chain smoking (unfortunately, although she's still well below smoking a whole pack a day because she's been spending so much time "resting"). Taking an interest when I'm baking or cooking. At the last book club meeting she strained to hear the conversation. Afterwards she asked me about the book we were discussing which I hadn't read. Although battling her inertia has been particularly challenging lately for me she is becoming stronger and healing, anyway. Sleep is, again, becoming optimally recuperative for her.
I'm very pleased that her initiative is improving while mine seems to be dwindling. My acupuncturist, without me mentioning all this, called it "dipping into the negative" which, apparently, I hadn't been doing during the period encompassed by my appointments up until now. Or if I had, and I tend to think I had, I was invulnerable to harm, which is what I expect of myself. The acupuncturist went out of her way to mention yesterday, though, that I should probably "set that aside" for awhile. As soon as she expressed herself on this matter it made sense to me. During the needling of the first part of my treatment I allowed myself to do this. I won't miss anything, I realized. All that negative stuff will still be there holding all its fascination when I "get back".
I think it's becoming critical that I find some trustworthy, confidence inspiring day help at this point. I think one of my mother's supplemental policies covers in home day care without requiring skilled nursing care. I have my eye on someone but, damn, I need to generate enough energy to task myself up to hiring her.
I had to force myself to report in here this morning. Lifting my arms to the keyboard seemed like so much effort and possibly painful, besides.
During this period I imagine pain as a quantitative substance rather than a neuromuscular reaction. I imagine it salted throughout my body. I imagine that during this period I am, through a very specific but sublinguistic procedure, clearing the pathways to my joints, which I imagine to be the areas of least resistance to the release of pain, relaxation and the substance of the pain filtering out of my body. My joints cramp and ache while it's happening but once it's over I expect to feel much more, well, mobile and energetic. It's funny, it isn't actually as though I feel I have no energy, it's that I feel it in quivering blocks stored somewhere in the last few months, waiting to be released. I'm not sure why I stored it away but I'm working on the release, right now.
So I wrote in this journal.
Later.
When I awaken Mom at 0800 we'll be preparing her for FT. The Pre-Therapy Routine is autonomic now, including her hair, and my body doesn't seem to feel quite as restrictive as it did last night. I was going to do her hair yesterday but the day filled up quickly. At night I felt as though I could barely lift my arms so decided to put off the hair until this morning. I put off everything until this morning including taking out the garbage, setting up the dishwasher, rewinding the drier for its third run and, bizarre, this is how tired I was, putting off peeing until morning. I remember, as I walked down the hall, calculating the amount of muscular effort it would take to pee before stripping and falling into bed and deciding, hell, my bladder's strong, I'll just let it wake me up in the morning. It did.
I hear a cough, now. Good sign. I just looked in on her and she was sleeping peacefully, breathing evenly and deeply, so I'll not go in again until 0800 unless she emerges on her own. Although she hasn't been as physically active as I'd like and her excuses for not going out have sometimes been poor, there is one area in which she has been showing increments of improvement: Brain power. Over the last three to four weeks it's been as though her brain is choosing to become more conscious of itself. My mother is becoming more aware of her environment; remembering and anticipating plans. Lately she's been resurrecting habits that she hasn't incorporated into her behavior or her day for almost four years, since her health became rickety. Playing Solitaire. Reading books. Considering books at the paperback displays in groceries. Being attracted to sugar in the store. Chain smoking (unfortunately, although she's still well below smoking a whole pack a day because she's been spending so much time "resting"). Taking an interest when I'm baking or cooking. At the last book club meeting she strained to hear the conversation. Afterwards she asked me about the book we were discussing which I hadn't read. Although battling her inertia has been particularly challenging lately for me she is becoming stronger and healing, anyway. Sleep is, again, becoming optimally recuperative for her.
I'm very pleased that her initiative is improving while mine seems to be dwindling. My acupuncturist, without me mentioning all this, called it "dipping into the negative" which, apparently, I hadn't been doing during the period encompassed by my appointments up until now. Or if I had, and I tend to think I had, I was invulnerable to harm, which is what I expect of myself. The acupuncturist went out of her way to mention yesterday, though, that I should probably "set that aside" for awhile. As soon as she expressed herself on this matter it made sense to me. During the needling of the first part of my treatment I allowed myself to do this. I won't miss anything, I realized. All that negative stuff will still be there holding all its fascination when I "get back".
I think it's becoming critical that I find some trustworthy, confidence inspiring day help at this point. I think one of my mother's supplemental policies covers in home day care without requiring skilled nursing care. I have my eye on someone but, damn, I need to generate enough energy to task myself up to hiring her.
I had to force myself to report in here this morning. Lifting my arms to the keyboard seemed like so much effort and possibly painful, besides.
During this period I imagine pain as a quantitative substance rather than a neuromuscular reaction. I imagine it salted throughout my body. I imagine that during this period I am, through a very specific but sublinguistic procedure, clearing the pathways to my joints, which I imagine to be the areas of least resistance to the release of pain, relaxation and the substance of the pain filtering out of my body. My joints cramp and ache while it's happening but once it's over I expect to feel much more, well, mobile and energetic. It's funny, it isn't actually as though I feel I have no energy, it's that I feel it in quivering blocks stored somewhere in the last few months, waiting to be released. I'm not sure why I stored it away but I'm working on the release, right now.
So I wrote in this journal.
Later.
