Sunday, April 11, 2004
Amazing Grace...
...of an Easter today. Mmmmm...mm. I'm not sure how much of it I'll record here; the satisfaction of the day is lolling me to sleep. It began early, 0430 for me, 0600 for Mom. I'm not sure whether she simply sleepwalks at that hour through early mornings and that makes it easy or if it is that she knows that Early Mornings beget Important Days. Could be the latter. Anyway, she was a trooper this morning. I had penciled in Walking Out the Door for 0800. As we were headed that way, on time, she realized she had to shit and there was no way I was going to discourage this. We actually backed out of our drivewayat 0845. Arrived in South Chandler just after 1100. Arrived home at 2057.
Mom went offline once during the day late in the afternoon for about an hour just previous to a 1700 dinner. Other than that she was alert, feisty, funny and engaged. She was very tired this evening but satisfied.
I have some funny (both ha-ha and peculiar) things to mention...I'm tired, though. I think I'll rewind the dryer and hit the sack. I'm still planting roses but that's another story. Oh what a weekend.
I told Mom I'd let her sleep in tomorrow within reason. Maybe as late as noon, although I doubt it. She may be up on her own before then. Who knows. She's been down for about an hour. I just checked on her. She was breathing so softly and the oxygen concentrator seemed so loud that I laid my hand on her back to see if I could feel her chest move. A flash of a thought: If she seems as peaceful in death as she does in sleep tonight, I won't be sorry when she dies. She will have gone easily and well, just as she approached life. I felt the pressure of her chest against my hand and was equally glad. I wondered if she was aware at some level that I was touching her and what I was thinking about her, if she was aware of things I wasn't, like, for instance, my body stance, how my head was bowed. I decided that subconsciously and unconsciously, she was. I further decided that on a spiritual level she was sparklingly aware of this moment of profound, nurturant touch...that, at some level, she and I are both the comforter and the comforted; to be profane, a feeling of touching oneself and feeling it as though someone is touching you.
A profoundly pleasurable thought.
On that note...
...later.
Mom went offline once during the day late in the afternoon for about an hour just previous to a 1700 dinner. Other than that she was alert, feisty, funny and engaged. She was very tired this evening but satisfied.
I have some funny (both ha-ha and peculiar) things to mention...I'm tired, though. I think I'll rewind the dryer and hit the sack. I'm still planting roses but that's another story. Oh what a weekend.
I told Mom I'd let her sleep in tomorrow within reason. Maybe as late as noon, although I doubt it. She may be up on her own before then. Who knows. She's been down for about an hour. I just checked on her. She was breathing so softly and the oxygen concentrator seemed so loud that I laid my hand on her back to see if I could feel her chest move. A flash of a thought: If she seems as peaceful in death as she does in sleep tonight, I won't be sorry when she dies. She will have gone easily and well, just as she approached life. I felt the pressure of her chest against my hand and was equally glad. I wondered if she was aware at some level that I was touching her and what I was thinking about her, if she was aware of things I wasn't, like, for instance, my body stance, how my head was bowed. I decided that subconsciously and unconsciously, she was. I further decided that on a spiritual level she was sparklingly aware of this moment of profound, nurturant touch...that, at some level, she and I are both the comforter and the comforted; to be profane, a feeling of touching oneself and feeling it as though someone is touching you.
A profoundly pleasurable thought.
On that note...
...later.
